What’s In A Name?
Aug 15th, 2006 | By Jennifer Worrall Lynch | Category: Society, Uncategorized
It feels quite indulgent to write an article for Edwards on whether or not I should change my name upon marriage, but I have to say it is something of a growing obsession for me. On top of the continuous conversations I am having about the colour of the ribbons on the wedding invitations (“But do you want that in organza or satin?”), the dreaded discussion to be had with my family and husband-to-be about my surname is in the back of my mind.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve harboured a niggling resentment of my maiden name. There’s just nothing cool or sexy or stylish about it. It doesn’t signify association with an old or distinguished family. It’s not even that unusual (although rather annoyingly, I am often forced to spell it out as it isn’t a recognisable-sounding surname for most people). When I was at school, the thing that frustrated me most about my surname was its first letter—in a world organised by the alphabet, a “W” meant that I was usually last to do just about everything in class.
I’ve spent many years musing about my surname and how my name would sound with a different ending. I’ve always thought it would be fun to adopt a new surname on my wedding day—preferably something easy to say and spell. I’m ashamed to say this contemplation has uncovered a hidden superficiality in me: “Would it be wrong to marry someone just because his name would sound great on me?” I was sure that it would be a no brainer when it came to the decision to drop my surname for a brand spanking new one. Ooh, the possibility to wipe the slate clean (assuming I had something to hide) and start my new married life as, effectively, a new person.
But as my wedding day draws closer, the idea of becoming a new person and leaving behind the old perturbs me. Do I really want to say goodbye to the surname that has been associated with all that I was before I became a wife, the highs and lows, success and failures? I mean, I’ve achieved a lot as Jenni Worrall and have had some amazing experiences—why would I want to consign that life to the past? And would changing my surname actually signal that?
It has been claimed that in a traditional church ceremony a woman is given away by one man and passed to another, imparting all her worldly goods, including her name, to her new husband.If this observation is true, then it seems farcical that today’s professional women should lose their identity in this way simply through the exchange of vows. But I have a serious problem with viewing my own religious ceremony in this light and would question whether we should be using the surname as some kind of feminist tool.
Our own illustrious editor has talked to me on a number of occasions about feminism being about the promotion of choice for women, not about the dictation of the ideal feminist position. Chris went through her own soul searching to get to the place she is now comfortable with—that is, adding her husband’s name to her own: “It seems a nice compromise. I retain my own identity and take on a part of his at the same time. If we have kids, we will share part of a name. But I have done a lot under ‘Gordon’ and I’m not willing to give it up entirely.” I can sympathise with this position, which appears to be a common solution in North America and less so on my side of the pond. I have suggested this alternative to the whole hog in a few different forums and have mostly been met with eyes thrown to heaven (“Well, you’ve always been stubborn”), a few sniggers, and comments along the lines of “It’s a bit American, isn’t it?”
And it is. America is leading the way in giving credibility to women’s choices in names. The Times newspaper recently reported that American newlyweds are “meshing” their names to form entirely new surnames. Antonio Villaraigosa, the mayor of Los Angeles, was one such convert when he combined his own surname of Villar with his wife’s name of Raigosa, saying to her, “If you are willing to take my name, I should be willing to take yours.”
Giving equal standing to both surnames is not new to all societies. In Hispanic cultures couples give their children both the husband’s surname and the wife’s maiden name to preserve the heritage of both families. At marriage, a woman has the option of adding her new husband’s surname to her list of names or dropping her mother’s maiden name. Sounds complicated, albeit a “catch all.”
The feminist custom of retaining one’s maiden name seems to be going out of fashion. The Lucy Stone League, an organisation named after a woman who refused to take her husband’s name when she married in 1855, estimates that 90 percent of women marrying today drop their own name in favour of their husband’s. The number of college-educated women in Massachusetts who kept their name after marriage dropped from 23 percent in 1990 to 17 percent in 2000.The professor who carried out the survey that revealed this trend believes that the change is due to a shift among liberals towards more family-oriented values. This shift strikes a chord with me as one of my key arguments for changing my name has been my feeling that marriage is about starting a new family (whether or not you have children), and I am drawn to the idea of creating a unit that is identifiable by a single name.
This consideration is something that a number of my newly-married friends have considered above all other arguments. Whilst initially determined to hold onto their maiden names, when it came down to it, the overwhelming nature of their wedding days—the realisation of the solemn bond that they had forged—and the desire to be recognised as this new family overcame their instinct to maintain their identities as individuals.
It is undoubtedly a complex decision to mess around with your name, and I think that my swinging from one solution to another makes me like most other women. However, I am finding more and more that I resent the inference that to change (or not) my surname is anything other than a personal choice. It shouldn’t necessarily lead others to conclude anything about my personality, career, or lifestyle. Women need to be confident in their decisions about marriage, as they are in other aspects of their lives, and feel comfortable enough in their own skin and in their relationships that their identity isn’t at risk due to the name they choose.
For More Information:
- Married or Maiden Name? Behind the Last Name (Change) by Cori Locklin
- Teaching from a Hispanic Perspective: a Handbook for Non-Hispanic Adult Educators
- To love, honour and rename by Annabel Heseltine
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